Sunday, March 14, 2010

New inventory in the S.S

Last time round, I ended up with some heavy metal hate mail because I had been too cynical of Overdrive magazine. Demand for an apology came from some, and here it is: I am sorry, but I brought up Overdrive only because it was the only full-size magazine on the rack which was rubbish. The rest were all pint sized journals (which were rubbish too) and hence it would be unfair if I made a comparison. In the same way that you wouldn’t compare a Volvo FH12 to a Piaggio Ape. I’m not saying larger is better, certainly not in this case, but comparisons must be fair and square. Period.

This Monday, when the Overdive chaps were busy getting late to work, my phone rang. At the other end was Daraius Shroff, a friend, motorcycling buddy, and the sort of chap who’d barely say a word if you flew HyperCity mall through the core of his retina. Ice Cool, in short. Usual conversation ensued, and soon, he was talking and I was listening. Rare. So he went on about why he was miffed at the duty structure leaning against imported vehicles, how the roads in Bombay were terrible enough to not even allow a Segway to be taken to its limits, that our pedestrians were incredibly hateful, and that the Congress was gay. And at the end of it, he said he’d like it if I ‘could do something about it’.

To begin with, I hadn’t really noticed how bad the roads were, because bad roads usually mean a lot more fun on a motorcycle. It is Cars that go crying to mommy with dashboards clinging to one bolt, and in return, cagers go crying to mommy after they have their feet crushed under the weight of the dashboard, which would fall off when they’d have hit pothole seventeen; verse five hundred and fifty of the Indian Motor Vehicular Roads bible. To make matters worse, these amputees then switch to ATVs, and end up with even more composite plastic in their teeth, ribs, and in one spectacular case, eyes. While enthu-commuters on motorcycles (I am one) have a blast zipping through gaps in between cars, and in the case of the Tata Indica, right through the panel gaps, cagers more often than not end up listening to Radio City.
Which makes them even more irritable and cross.

As Daraius suggested, the entire road structure should be revised from scratch. That would include everything from tarmac/concrete compound, to re-assessment of routes, lane division, and a more specific layout. As we spoke further, we concluded that most of Bombay’s roads are in fact roads made for the Bombay of the 1950s. Which sounds as ridiculous as attending a funeral service eight years later. Sort of. I agree it would take a lot, but the government (The Congress, in other words. Forget about any other party ever coming to power) has our backing. We will pay taxes as we have been, and us motorcyclists will have more fun on the roads that you would have dug up for the noble cause.

The duty structure on imported vehicles though, is entirely silly. It’s like being told you can have an ice cream sundae at the fair, but you’d have to go without any kind of food the whole month after. You’d hate anyone who’d say that to you. Even Monica Belucci.

As for pedestrians, well, you really will have to do an Iron Man on them. Or simply do a rolling burnout on their collective bleeps. While I do support braking at road-crossings, even if doing Mach II upside down in an F16, for children trying to get to school, I do not have the same to say about children who are not. The next child who does a Ugesh Sircar right in front of my motorcycle when I’m in 1st gear at 10,000rpm, trying to skid to a halt, just because he wants to save his lousy cricket balls, will go home badly missing two of his.

On another note, my admiration of Adolf Hitler and the S.S has been under much light of late. And while I’m not going to justify it, not just yet, I do have some recommendations to the S.S. The S.S in question though, is the Spastic Society. And said recommendations are people who enjoy ATVs, and Overdrive.


  1. Too much testosterone for one article ruminate!
    Tone it down honey! (Sickly jitesh pillai voice)

  2. I like. U actually said Congress is gay. lol.
    U also picked the hottest ass in the world. Monica Belucci.

    Anyway. Serious matter here, requires this type of aggression.

  3. Ha ha. ha ha ha ha. There, you said it. The worse the roads are, the more fun you have on motorcycles. Which can climb buildings, and do the parkour. And can deliver an ass whooping to a four wheeler which is fifteen times as powerful. F***ing SUVs. How I would love to be a hulk and chuck them over four streets at one go.